Behind the Scenes

Below is an excerpt of my inner monologue. Don’t judge me.

 

AUTHOR: Jeremy, come back in the room. We aren’t done working on this chapter.

PROTAGONIST: No. I’m not talking to you.

AUTHOR: Seriously? You can’t leave the story without a resolution. Come back here. You are making me look bad.

PROTAGONIST: No.

AUTHOR: I’ll let you kiss Svetlina . . .

PROTAGONIST: Promise?

AUTHOR: Yes. I will totally let you make out with her. And she won’t try to kill you this time.

PROTAGONIST: You said that last time.

AUTHOR: I know, but this time I mean it.

PROTAGONIST: Do I get a cool sword?

AUTHOR: Totally.

PROTAGONIST: Why do I feel like there is a catch?

AUTHOR: Um. . .

PROTAGONIST: I KNEW IT! You are going to fuck up my life some more, aren’t you?

AUTHOR: Only for a little while. It gets better, I swear.

PROTAGONIST: I hate you.

AUTHOR: I know.

PROTAGONIST: You know you are insane, right?

AUTHOR: Probably.

PROTAGONIST: Okay. Fine. I will get back in this chapter, but you better make my sword badass. And no more making me look like an idiot.

AUTHOR: Riiight…. You will totally not look like a moron swing a sword wildly as the wolves converge on you. . .

PROTAGONIST: Goddamn it. I knew I shouldn’t trust you.

 

 

“I’m a writer. Therfore. I am not sane.”

– Edgar Allan Poe

 

What If. . .

what if

 

This quote was posted on The Writer’s Circle, a group that posts about writing stuff on Facebook (click the picture to go to their page). It inspired a conversation among my writer friends, in which one friend told me about a “what if?” writer’s conference she attended. The speaker gave them the following writing prompt:

  • In 12 words or less, starting with “what if” ,  charismatically describe your book so everyone will want to buy and and read it.

Sounds simple enough. But here’s the funny bit-it’s not. 

Here is what I came up with for The Gatestone Chronicles: Fayling

  • What if you were the only person who could fix magic?

It isn’t a bad sentence, but would it sell my book? It doesn’t really hit at the real story, does it?

Okay, let’s try again.

  • What if a human could save the universe from fairies?

Hmm. I like that one better. Closer to what the book is about, but it vilifies the fay a bit too much.

One more time.

  • What if saving one life could magically alter the course of fate?

Okay, well it isn’t perfect, but to be fair I have to keep it to twelve words, so it will do.

 

What about you reader? Tell me what you came up with in the comments below. Happy Writing!

Room 405

If you are looking through the course catalog of your local college, you will find your typical classes offered; English 101, Algebra, Pottery, Nutrition, that sort of thing.  But if you flip to the back of the catalog, under the miscellaneous heading that most people don’t read, you will find a class not offered by most colleges. This class is Curseology 101, taught by Miss Badalla.

When you enter the classroom it looks like any other. Rows of tables and chairs to the left and right of a center walkway. The front of the class has a green chalkboards and a podium, where Miss Badalla scatters her various notes and articles to reference in her lectures.  She runs the class much like any other teacher; there are vocabulary lists and chapters of assigned reading from the Curseology 101 textbook. But that is where the similarities to everyday learning stop.

Miss Badalla teaches her students about curses. How to use them, what they are, and how to defend from others cursing you. She peeks out from a halo of frizzy salt and pepper hair, tied back by a scarf embroidered with silver suns and moons. Her hands are laden with numerous rings, all interesting stones like turquoise and Jasper. She wears charms around her wrists, ankles, and neck, each one with a special defensive purpose she teaches about in her advanced class, Amulet Crafting. She wears brightly colored wispy fabrics, and a gray shawl that looks as though it has been dragged down the street by a trash truck, and then hung to dry. Her brown sandals have been patched and mended, and are the only pair of shoes she ever wears. She calls out her lessons in a sing-song voice, wafting the spicy aroma of incense as she passes between each desk. She answers criticism and doubt with the certainty of someone who has seen the effects of the curses she explains.

Curseology will not likely help you achieve your major. Indeed, nobody is even sure if there is credit for taking Miss Badalla’s class. But the experience is well worth the price of one semester of your time.

 

Curseology 101: How to handle minor curses

Curseology 101

Lesson of the day: How to handle minor curses

Method 1: Think of puppies. Curses are based on negative energy. A minor curse, such as Drabulize, can be counteracted by the adorably positive energy of a cute, fluffy, wiggly tailed pup. This method is sometimes difficult, because thinking of puppies while someone is cursing you can be distracting.

Method 2: the counter-curse. While this will not prevent you from being cursed, at least you force your curser into a similar predicament. There is a chance they will lift the curse if you agree to do the same. Curse mediation is sometimes necessary to negotiate these situations.

Method 3: Deflection. This method is safest for you, but very unsafe for unsuspecting bystanders.

 

This will also be on the quiz

Curseology 101

This week’s vocabulary list:

Insomniate: To curse an individual with the inability to sleep.

Abdactify: To magically force someone in a position of social power to step down against his/her will, though it appears as if he/she voluntarily stepped down. Often used by school girls to settle popularity contests.

Drabulize: Draining all the color out of a victims entire wardrobe.

Conjactuation: The writing or inventing of new curses.

Floorigating: Causing a person’s shoes to leave behind muddy footprints, regardless of the weather outside or the victims vicinity to mud. Common trick played on housewives with tile floors.

Pay attention. There will be a quiz.